Intentions Intentions Intentions

Intention and behaviour – what others experience as reflex without or with little conscientious agonizing – are causing me long nights of angst. Turning on the light, I pattered to find a book that will help me with a formula. Please, why is there not a formula I can apply and work out the correct answer ?
I am totally clear that somewhere in the unknown sector of my Johari window, I am habouring intentions that are causing my distressing behaviours.
Because in consciousness, my behaviours are the opposite to my intention.
No. NO. Now that I have written the sentence; I can see this is not true. My behaviour is in fact congruent with my intention.
It is my conflicting intentions that is causing me the endless whirl of internal conversations and obsessive search for an answer. The paradox is this : I want to be the good mother martyr and I want to be the self centred lazy coward.
Like the unsteady mother who gives in to her child every scream for sweets and toys, I cannot, no I choose not to, refuse their asking. I am my sons’ personal benefit office and 24 hour helpline.
Like the fix for the addict, it assuage my shame to convince myself that this is “helping” them.
That is very helpful ! Hairgrip. Well done !
So what would a good mother do faced with a screaming demanding child. Firm boundaries and follow through sanctions.
There you go, Hairgrip. Off you go and practice that !
Good night and sleep well, little one.

Onto the next conundrum. Why the hesitation to confront such bad behaviours ? Why the supreme tolerance ?
Fearful of destroying their fragile ago ?
Cannot bear to be the “bad” person. Must maintain that reputation of wise and serene and tolerant and generous.
For whom and for what ? For everyone. For me. So that when I die, they can look back and feel bad they have used me so badly, so unfairly. I want them to feel bad.
hummmm. Quite the spiteful sulk. And of course wholly deluded.
Those who can take and take and hitch free rides are so buried with their own terror and/or greed and/or idleness that no ray of fairplay could possibly penetrate.
And of course, my naturally generous tolerant nature makes it so easy for them to justify their abuse : Oh she likes to do it. She enjoys running round. Really ? Does anyone enjoys the responsibility ALL the time ? Does anyone dislikes just turning up without any duties or tasks, just to enjoy sometime ?
I am blessed to have these wise words spoken to me : I hesitate to ask because I know you will say yes. Your yes nature actually prevents me from asking because I am SO careful not to take the piss and abuse you.
It would be much more equal if you say no, be unreasonable. So I can argue and try it on, knowing you are strong to resist any piss-taking.
I am blessed to have you, my true wise friend.

Sage and Spot

don't get out much
“I am very glad to have an outing today. And extra pleased to show off the sleek line of that dress with the little leaves round the straps. Are you going out tomorrow ? ”
“No. I can’t remember the last time I went out. I only stay in the house. Sometimes, I have the pyjama bottoms over me. Not to keep her warm. Just because there are unfamiliar people in the house. She doesn’t like that much. She huffs and puffs when she has to sit back down and put on the pyjama bottoms. Then she patters through to get her cup of tea.”
“So you don’t get to go out ? “
“Yes. As you know, she is very neat and precise. She doesn’t like me being seen under her dresses. You don’t have a back so you can’t be seen. So I never get to go out. Well, not strictly true. In the summer, I get to go into the garden a lot. “
“Oh Oh look out. here she comes. It is morning and she said she is going out today so it’s me ! ”“Bye bye. It will be my turn tonight. “